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thoughts on last week + committing to…

October 3, 2011

what a crazy week and a half it’s been. i almost feel like the past seven days weren’t real; i know i lived them, but i don’t think i’ve begun to process them yet. and the strangest thing is that i don’t feel overwhelmingly, heart-breakingly sad. i just feel different. maybe a little empty.

death is never easy, but my grandmother’s, at least, was peaceful. she passed away at 95, in the early morning hours, in her sleep. she lived a full, rich life and she knew her family loved her.

and yet.

i can’t imagine not walking the block and a half from my parents’ house to my grandmother’s. i can’t imagine not finding her sweeping leaves in the driveway, can’t imagine not seeing her perched in her chair at the kitchen table or sitting by her big bay window watching the action — or lack thereof — on the street where she lived for more than 40 years. i can’t imagine her not asking me “how’s school?”, the words clanging together like metal wind chimes, even though i graduated from college six years ago. i especially can’t imagine the holidays without her. i feel like, in the past week, my heart has turned a bit in my chest, causing the way i see things (because i really do feel i view the world through my heart much more than i do my head, for better or worse) to shift.

but i feel like, as unimaginable as it is not to have her here, i need to thank her for that shift, because i certainly think it’s going to help me grow. i suddenly have this urge to do things that are completely new or unfamiliar, whether it’s listen to a band i’ve never heard or redecorate my apartment or volunteer with a nonprofit or highlight my hair. i am very well aware that this is all part of the grieving process, but i am interested to see how these urges sustain themselves. i’ve said from the very beginning that 2011 feels like it’s going to be a year that’s defined by its thrust, by its momentum. i don’t think that precludes sadness and loss; i just think it means that forward movement will always overtake them.

i’m going to try to keep that thought with me as i untangle the sadness and adjust to life without someone very special in it. and for this week? my one commitment is right up at the top of this post, and i think it’s a pretty good one.

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  • Reply
    Jane Flanagan
    October 3, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope that you feel your way through this with patience and support. Please know you have mine. xx

  • Reply
    Mary
    October 3, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss too, Megan. I know exactly what you mean. Death requires some grieving, even when (especially when!) that person lived a full and long life. It’s good to remember, and especially good when you can use the emotion to help motivate you to appreciate the things you have in your own life.

  • Reply
    Shawn
    October 4, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Megan, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. You and your family are in my thoughts.

  • Reply
    megan
    October 4, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    thank you, everyone.

  • Reply
    Jennifer Rod
    October 4, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    it truly is a good one. i am sorry about your loss too, it’s difficult to transition without someone you love, i can imagine. and i encourage you to welcome these new desires to try new things… i think it’s liberating.

    have a great week!

  • Reply
    stephanie
    October 4, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Great post, Megan. xoxo

  • Reply
    Jenn
    October 10, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Love this post.

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